a boy, a sword, and a princess: part one

(i wrote this about a year ago, and have recently written part two. i thought i would re-post this so you can remember whats happening in the story. hope you like it)

There once lived a boy who was handsome and tall,
who sacrificed himself for the safety of all.
Some called him Hero for the lives he had saved,
some called him Friend as he past and they waved.
He was famous in town, and loved in the land,
he had a smile in his eye and a sword in his hand.
The King even liked him, and gave him great things,
rubies, and emeralds, and diamonds, and rings.
Even with the fame, his character didn't crumble,
he remained brave, and loyal, and humble.

A beautiful princess also lived in this land,
and every noble men came seeking her hand.
The princess hated them and thought them a hassle,
and hired the boy to keep them from her castle.
The boy did his job and kept evil away,
drove off the noblemen all night and all day.
The princess was free from all the dirty men,
and the boy was happy to serve til the end.

The boy traveled with the princess, through rain and through snow,
to make sure she was safe, wherever she would go.
The boy had slayed dragons, and killed hundreds in war.
had captured the elves, and wrestled with boars.
He had battled with gnomes, in an unknown land,
Had boxed with the giants in lava quicksand.
In all of these feats he had never felt queasy,
but for once in his life he felt quite uneasy.
For deep in his heart he was falling in love,
with the princess, his boss, who watched from above.

The boy served the princess for over a year,
and did everything she asked without any fear.
So one day he decided to tell her how he felt,
He prayed, and hoped that her heart would melt.
"Princess, I Love You, let me be your King,
I'll fight for you forever, To you I'll always cling."
The princess started crying and slapped him in the face,
and told him he was fired and said she needed space.
"Please depart my castle boy, and leave me alone,
I simply do not love you, you can not have my throne."
The boy bowed his head, as a tear slipped to the floor,
he swiveled on his heal and headed toward the door.
But right before he left, he hoisted up his head,
he mustered up some strength and this is what he said,
"But who is going to save you, when I am gone?
And who will be your strength, when you're not strong?
Who will watch over you, when I've gone away?
And who will hold your hand day after day?
Who break your fall, and who will ease your pain?
Who will fight your battles, and shelter you from rain?
Someday soon you’ll realize what you’ve done,
You'll long to hear my voice, but I'll be long gone."

Billion Dollar Meltdown

Tiger Woods. The World’s Greatest Golfer. The first athlete (if you want to call golfers athletes…that’s a whole different topic…don’t get me started) ever, to earn $1,000,000,000. Beautiful wife. Lovely kids. Sounds like he has everything he would ever need, right? Well, apparently not. Tiger has allegedly had relations with twelve different women across the country, and chances are there are more.

First of all, let me make this clear. I’m not going to hate on Tiger Woods just because of his adulterous lifestyle. You can ask anyone I’ve ever talked to about Tiger, how I feel about him. I can’t stand the guy. I’d rather cheer for the Packers then cheer for Tiger Woods. He could put the ball within 6 inches of the pin, and be in first by 37 strokes, but by his body language you would think he had just put his 12th shot in the drink. Don’t get me wrong. He IS the greatest golfer ever to play the game. He is amazing. But…he’s also a huge baby, who has a temper, and is unimpressed with everything surrounding him. I can’t stand watching him sulk down the fairway, with his huge droopy lips suffocating the rest of his face. Dude. Smile.

Secondly, I’ve come to the conclusion that if you don’t act like a real man, then you don’t deserve a manly nickname like “Tiger.” Hmmm. What is an animal name that suits him better. Something stupid and smelly. Ahhh yes! “Pig Woods.” I like the sound of that. Or, let’s call him by his real name: Eldrick Tont Woods. Whoa…No wonder he needed a nickname. Jeepers.

The part of me that has always disliked Eldrick is happy that his private life has been put under a magnifying glass. It’s proven everything I’ve thought about the guy from the beginning. He is a sad man, unimpressed by everything around him.

A news report today says that Pig’s doctor was caught, and arrested back in October by Canadian police, as he had possession of a certain strain of HGH (human growth hormone). Although Eldrick’s name has not yet been mentioned, we can’t help but speculate that he may have received some of these drugs.

So, without further ado, we will now add Eldrick to the list with Kobe Bryant, Roger Clemens, Wilt Chamberlin, Barry Bonds and countless other professionals, who have tainted their careers with adulterous scandal and alleged performance enhancing drug use.

I’d like to say that all along my dislike of Eldrick was somehow linked to the fact that I knew he was someday going to cheat on his wife and that he was taking performance enhancing drugs, but, alas, I cannot say that. It’s depressing to see another one of the World’s role models go down like this, regardless of my personal feelings toward him.

One billion dollars can buy you a lot of stuff, but it can’t buy you happiness.

Chapter 3

Baby I can See Your Halo

In college, I spent days upon days playing video games. At the time, the video games were a mere form of social entertainment, that preoccupied my time from the inevitable task at hand…homework. But as I look back, the countless number of hours spent shooting battle rifles, throwing plasma grenades, and being the wheelman behind a Warthog, have not gone to waste. There are applicable lessons that can be taken from playing video games. I suppose I should be clearer. When I say that I played video games, I mean that I played Halo. Halo 2 and Halo 3. Not to toot my own horn, but most players would say that I was the best and most feared opponent at Northwestern College. I say that, to say this. I know my stuff when it comes to Halo. So, when I use Halo as yet another metaphor of love, just believe me.

While playing Halo, there are a few things you need to know. Besides the actual button configuration on your controller, there are different items on the screen that are crucial to your survival. Number one. Your regenerating shield. This is located at the top of the screen and notifies you of how much life you have left. Number two. Your ammunition. This is located in the upper right corner of your screen, and notifies you of how many bullets you have left in your weapon. And finally, number three. Your radar. This is located in the bottom left corner of your screen, and notifies you of your teammates, and enemies. Each of these three things is very important to keep an eye on if you want to be a successful Halo player. I believe that these things can translate, or symbolize things in our romantic lives.

REGENERATING SHIELD
Battle/Battlefield = battlefield of love
Shield = heart/emotions
Grenade = breakup
There are times where you’re going to go into battle and come out wounded. You will be out there fighting with everything you have, but will get hit by a grenade from out of nowhere and be left hurting, broken. This is where the regenerating shield is so helpful. You can hunker down, regroup and get ready to do battle again. However, it’s not safe or healthy to run back out into battle when you’re still hurt. You’ll die. Next time you’re hurt, make sure your shield is fully recovered before you rejoin the fight.

AMMUNITION
Battle/Battlefield = battlefield of love
Ammo = game (like, dang man, you got mad game)
You can’t expect to win a battle if you don’t have ammunition…translation…you can’t win someone over if you don’t spit mad game. Be sure you have fresh ammunition before you trying winning a battle. If you’re unprepared, you will get shot and you will die.

RADAR

There are two types of people that the radar will pick up, teammates and non-teammates. Teammates appear as yellow dots, and non-teammates appear as red dots. When traveling through the battlefield, the radar lets you know who is on your team, and who is on the other team. Sometimes, on the battlefield of love, it is difficult to differentiate between people who like you, and people who just want to be friends. It’s hard to tell if they are a yellow dot (a friend) or a red dot (someone who is in hot pursuit of you). Unfortunately, that is just part of the game. There will be times when someone who you thought was in hot pursuit, ends up being nothing more than “just a friend.” Or, someone who you thought of was “just a friend” could be hunting you down on the battlefield of love, looking to trap you in a corner and…well I will let your imagination take it from there.
Basically what I’m trying to say is…your radar can only get you so far. It can detect friends, and potential interests, but the end result is in your hands. You need to explore the battlefield and make sure that the yellow dot around the corner isn’t just a red dot in disguise.

Had I spent more time doing homework, and less time playing Halo, sure, I would have gotten better grades, but would I be as wise as I am now? Heck no! I wouldn’t know to let my heart heal before I put it on the line again. I wouldn’t know that I need mad game in order to impress the ladies. I wouldn’t know how to read my radar. I wouldn’t have earned the honor of being named the best Halo player on campus either.
Thank you Halo, for my college education!

Nerds and Romantics around the world UNITE! Video games have just become one with love.

Chapter 2

Take the Shot

There are times in everyone’s life where decisions must be made. Choices, not only about life, but also about love. Making choices that are linked to romantic feelings can be some of the hardest decisions we have the privilege of making. The great Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” All along I thought this was talking about sports, but I’m convinced this is talking about LOVE. Who would have thought that a hockey player would know so much about romance?

Maybe I’m just speaking from personal experience, but I’m pretty sure everyone from the beginning of time has had a crush on someone. However, I really don’t like the word crush. What does that even mean? It’s dumb. The word crush means to destroy or squash. Why would you ever want to squash someone you like? Stupid. So we are going to revert back to the chapter one. Eggs in a basket. Everyone has experienced that suffocating feeling, when all of the air evacuates your lungs because the girl (or guy) of your dreams just walked into the room. Everyone knows the feeling of your heart jumping out of your chest like a lion trying to escape from a cage. This is what it feels like when you’ve placed an egg in someone’s basket. The journey has begun.

There comes a point during the journey that a huge leap needs to be made. I could be putting eggs in a girl’s basket that doesn’t even know I exist. Egg placing isn’t always mutual. There is a pivotal moment in a relationship where the egg placement becomes intentional. This is known as a DTR. What is a DTR you might ask? Well, there are several different interpretations to the acronym. DTR:
- Determine the Relationship
- Discuss the Relationship
- Dispute the Relationship
- Declare the Relationship
- Delicious Taco Restaurant
DTRs happen at different points in a relationship for different people. Some guys will meet a girl and ask her on a date the same night. Some guys will get to know a girl and finally express their feelings for them months or even years later. Is there a right or wrong way to do this? No. Just different ways.

Most girls aren’t going to put themselves on the line, and initiate the DTR. A girl could be head over heals for a guy, patiently waiting for him to ask her on a date, but never let on that they are interested. Confusing right? RIGHT! Initiation of the relationship 95 out of 100 times is going to be by the guy. Putting your heart out on the line can be tough. It definitely comes easier for some, but I assure you, any guy has the ability to show emotion and sweep a girl off her feet.

. Here is the rule, and where the new analogy really takes off. I know Wayne played hockey, but I’m going to take his quote to the basketball court. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. So…take the shot. Let her know how you feel! Go for it! Sweep her off her feet! If the shot is open, take it. Don’t force it, or rush it, but wait for the right time, get set, and take the shot. I know, I know, sometimes it’s not that simple. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule. Here are some things you might run into. All of the situations will be placed in the masculine setting, but the same principles apply for females.

What if the girl whose basket I’m placing eggs in, has a boyfriend?
Be careful. However, sometimes you have to get the steal before you can take a shot. Just because she has a boyfriend doesn’t mean she’s gone for good. Play good defense, steal her away, and take the shot.

What if she doesn’t know I exist?
Be patient. Sometimes you have to sit on the bench for a while before you get noticed. Keep working at it though. Do things that get you noticed (in a good way!). You’ll get your opportunity someday. Just don’t be scared to take the shot once you’re off the bench.

What if she doesn’t like me?
Stay strong. Getting rejected is a bad feeling, but at least you took the shot. Keep working on your moves. Don’t try the same thing twice, or you’ll just get blocked again. Sometimes it takes a few tries before you get a good shot off. If you get rejected three times though, you should probably stop shooting.

What if she’s a great friend and I don’t want to ruin that?
Shoot it! This usually takes them off guard, but it’s when you have the most open shot. Like I said earlier, a girl could be head over heals for you, but never show interest. This could be the case with your friend. You just have to decide whether or not she’s worth the risk. It could be awkward after, but if you’re as great of friends as you think you are, your friendship should stand the test.

What if she has 16 toes, wears a patch over her left eye, and smells like Shrek?
No advice

What if she likes me, but I don’t like her?
Pass the ball. Don’t pump-fake, or even think about shooting the ball. Divert her attention elsewhere by getting the ball out of your hands. Don’t let her think there is even a chance. It’s not fair to her, if you lead her on. If she is as rare as a blue footed alligator, she might initiate and take a shot at your hoop. If you truly don’t like her, BLOCK that crap and shake your finger like Dikembe Mutumbo. But, if you think there might be a chance that you could place some eggs in her basket…go for it.

Take Gretzky’s advice and don’t live your love life on the bench. Get out there and take some shots. Being in the game and getting rejected is better than sitting on the bench. And who knows…the next shot you take might be a beautiful swoosh!

Chapter 1

I’ve been joking with my friends for a while, that I would write a book about relationships, and I think it’s finally time to write a little excerpt.

Eggs in a Basket

Every person in the world has two things; a basket and a carton, filled with one dozen eggs. The basket represents YOU. Everything about you. Your personality, your looks, your beliefs. The eggs represent bits of your heart that contain romantic feeling. The eggs are to be given out, or put into others baskets, as you see fit. The more eggs you put into someone’s basket, the more romantic feelings you have for them. The intensity of the feelings, behind the amount of eggs placed into someone’s basket can fluctuate from individual to individual, but the generic scale looks something like this:
- 1 egg = crush
- 12 eggs = marriage, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you


Let me try to make it a little clearer with an example. There is a boy, and his name is Rex. Rex has quite a few friends, some of them being of the female persuasion. As he hangs out with these girls, he starts developing feelings for not just one of them, but can see himself being with four of them. Their names are Donna, Pauline, Jenna and Chloe. As Rex spends more and more time with these girls, he starts to put “eggs” into their “baskets.” Starting out, he flirts with all the girls, and has a minimal crush on each of the four, so he puts one egg in each of their baskets. Weeks go by, and he continues to hang out with the girls, and he really starts to like Chloe and Donna. He then adds an egg to each of their baskets. More weeks go by, and now he really likes Chloe. As he is adding eggs to Chloe’s basket, he is taking eggs out of the other girl’s baskets.
It’s been nine months and Rex is falling in love with Chloe. He has placed nine eggs into her basket, and is thinking about proposing. However, out of no where, Chloe breaks up with him, and empties his eggs out of her basket. However, when Rex receives his eggs back, they are no longer whole, but they’ve been smashed. Remember, eggs represent bits of your heart. When Chloe broke Rex’s heart, she smashed his eggs.
Due to the romantic disaster, Rex’s carton of eggs will never be the same.
A year passes and Rex is reunited with Donna! As they start to hang out again, Rex is very cautious with his feelings. He slowly starts to put his eggs into her basket, but she can tell that something is different about him, and that he has been hurt in the past. Rex has to explain his shattered eggs.
Eventually Rex gives all of his eggs (whole and shattered) to Donna and they get married and live happily ever after. Blah blah blah. The end result isn’t really the point of the story. Basically, this fun anecdote teaches us to be careful with how we pass out our love and that even when we get hurt, we can still give our shattered love to someone else someday.
The next time you ask someone, “Like oh my gosh. Do you like like him?” Try asking, “How many eggs do you have in his basket?” It gets great reactions, and it will give you the opportunity to spread the analogy.

happy thanksgiving

illustrated by: Ryan J. Martin

Thanksgiving Prayer

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for being my God. Thank you for making me and KEEPING me. Thank you Lord for your goodness, and for promising me a spot in your family. No matter how i mess up, you're faithful to forgive me. Thank you for all that you are...you are more than enough. I love you and want to live for you. Amen