Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Internal Struggle

8:00 am
I smell bacon. The only reason I woke up is because the sensors in my nose sent a text message to my stomach, which then twittered about how hungry it was. My brain, which is constantly checking my other body part’s facebook and twitter accounts, decided to wake up the rest of my body, so my stomach could enjoy the greasy, perfectly done bacon that my nose sensed was cooking downstairs. As I head to the kitchen, I have to squint because the sun is tearing through the staircase window sill, and my sleepy eyes haven’t adjusted to morning. I turn the corner to see my dad behind a stack of French toast, and my mom turning sweet slices of bacon on the griddle. My sisters are in the other room watching an episode of America’s Next Top Model, already enjoying breakfast, as I grab a white plate from the cupboard and starting piling on bacon and French toast.

I’m just finishing up and feel like I could go back to bed. As I dipped the last remaining crisp of bacon into the pond of syrup on my plate, my youngest sister entered the kitchen and started scraping her leftovers into the trash. At the very last moment I spotted a full strip of bacon sliding toward the garbage. I jumped from my chair and practically mugged her. How dare she waste a full slice of premium cut, smoked apple wood bacon?
She just looked at me as if I were some sort of homeless man who hadn’t eaten in weeks. Moral of the story. Don’t waste bacon.

8:33 am
Breakfast is over, and I just received an email from my intestine. I’ll copy it below for you.
“Dear Master,
You’re stupid. 12 strips of bacon and 7 pieces of French toast? Really?
I’ve called your stomach and asked it to ache. I’m awaiting a reply. Oh, did I mention that I also emailed your metabolism and told him to slow down and deposit fatty tissue on your gut. Idiot.”
Your Intestine

Technology is insane these days. Who would have thought you could communicate via online networking devices with your internal organs. Crazy!

2:36 pm
My intestine and I have been emailing back and forth all day. I’ll fill you in on what you’ve missed. It turns out that my intestine tried to get my colon, appendix, and spleen involved, but none of them wanted anything to do with the situation. My stomach really enjoyed the bacon and decided not to ache, and my metabolism decided to speed up and burn all the calories just to spite my intestine. I guess my metabolism and my gall bladder had gone on some dates, and my intestine spread a nasty rumor about gall bladder and things got ugly. This was pay back I guess?

4 days later
It’s been four days and the bacon is still in my intestine. I haven’t been able to poop, and the intensity of the cramps is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’ve tried apologizing, but my intestine won’t give in.

3 hrs later
Well, I just set up shop in the bathroom. I moved my TV, and xbox in there and brought a stack of DVDs. I’m gonna fight this, and I’m prepared to be here for a while. The pain is getting pretty unbearable and my intestine doesn’t show signs of giving in. There is only one thing left to do. TURBOLAX

36 hrs later
After drinking the whole bottle of laxative, (I mixed it with Mt. Dew, which tasted awesome) I’ve had to sit here on the pot for the last 32 hrs. I’ve watched a full season of The Office, played 82 ranked matches of Halo 3, and drank 18 amp energy drinks (which probably didn’t help my cause). My insides are feeling way better, and me and my intestine have cleared the air via facebook chat. He explained that he’s having a rough time coping with his feelings of jealousy toward my metabolism, because he’s head over heels for my gall bladder. And then when I clogged him with bacon, he said he got all bloated and it ruined his chances of ever impressing my gall bladder. Jeepers. I feel real bad for him now.

Moral of the story: don’t eat too much bacon, because it might ruin your intestines chances of impressing your gall bladder.

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